When encountering conflict, your mindset matters.
Those three mindsets prepare you internally. They put you in the best possible situation to bring health and to remove pain from the situation, and from your organization.
Similarly, the three keys help you externally.
Once you wrap your mind around the current problem, the three keys help it go well. Our last post showed Key #1: Position the conversation as the two parties working together against the problem/conflict.
Here we tackle Key #2.
Now, when dealing with conflict, you know a few things:
- Your intentions are positive. You want this issue to resolve. You desire a peaceful, enjoyable co-existence with this person in your church or organization.
- Whatever words you choose in this moment will be etched into the memory of that person for a long time, maybe the rest of their lives.
- That person will probably tell others what you said.
- You could blow up the situation, making the conflict worse and creating collateral damage that will hurt others…and the organization as a whole…for the foreseeable future.
So, what you do helps determine how well it goes. Your actions can also make it worse. You do influence the outcome. Now, we know you cannot control everything in a conflict situation, but you do control what you do. A ham-handed approach creates damage that could be avoided. Any blunt force trauma pains the participants, even when it’s verbal or emotional. Contrast this with the skilled facilitator who leads towards resolution and relief for all parties involved.
Key #2 helps you be that facilitator, even when you stand as both participant in the conflict and facilitator for the conflict. It’s a tough role, but attaining some skills increases the likelihood of a good outcome.
Key #2 is: Gain some type of agreement at the beginning of the conflict resolution meeting.
This comes on the front end of the round table discussion, also known as the “come to Jesus meeting.” You implement Key #2 shortly after all of you are seated around the table.
Design the physical conflict resolution space for comfort, because the discussion already provides the discomfort.
Rich Halcombe
A table provides some means of “protection”, so it’s best to meet around one. That sense of protection comes from having a physical object between the opposing parties. Remember, you aren’t setting this meeting as a battle of warring parties. Rather, it’s a coming together for mutual benefit. Of course, you can conduct this meeting in a circle of chairs. The downside to sitting in chairs, with no table, is that people feel more exposed. And, when they feel exposed, they feel more vulnerable. While vulnerability can be good in a lot of settings, you don’t want to increase their discomfort in this setting. You want to design the meeting physically for comfort and protection because there will be more than enough discomfort emotionally.
Putting the participants at the same level increases interaction.
The table also sits people facing each other. It prompts interaction. And, you won’t reach resolution without interaction.
You, as the facilitator initiate Key #2.
So, Key #2 comes early in the discussion. It’s almost always the first thing I do. You want agreement on something. That first agreement helps to obtain the BIG agreement, which is the agreement to move forward together. The big agreement is a huge hurdle. It’s huge because all of you are sitting at a table to achieve it. It’s also huge because it hasn’t already been resolved amicably. And, if it weren’t a big deal, you wouldn’t be going to this much trouble.
In any type of setting, you, as the facilitator, initiate the agreement. In a church setting, I use the collective desire to honor the Lord. It is something of an assumption, but the assumption helps move people toward resolution. Even if they didn’t walk into the meeting thinking they are here to honor the Lord, they realize its importance. I have yet to have anyone disagree. Often a measure of relief accompanies the declaration.
Base the agreement on a common value.
So, I start the “come to Jesus meeting” saying something like, “We are here to solve an issue. The one thing we do have in common is our desire to honor the Lord. So, I want each of us to state our name and then individually to say, “I desire to honor the Lord today. I will begin.” Then, I personally state, “My name is Rich Halcombe and I desire to honor the Lord today.” I look to each person, starting at my left and going one-by-one all the way around the table. Each person says his/her name and “I desire to honor the Lord today.” No matter who is there, I prod each participant to state the declaration out loud, so that all the other participants can hear. Sometimes a staff person (or two) from that particular church attend the meeting. If present, each staff person does what everyone else in the room does.
Key #2 accomplishes a few things:
a. Each person speaks.
A lot of tension is already baked into these meetings. And, often these situations cause people to want to withdraw. An oft-desired position in these situations is to be a spectator. Most everybody wants to watch and withdraw. But, for things to be resolved, each person at the table needs to use their voice. (As a side note, if they don’t need to speak, they don’t need to be at the table.) Speaking out loud grants people a sense of individual autonomy, along with a measure of confidence. It helps each person to hear his/her own voice. When tensions run high you can fear how you will sound. Voicing a point of agreement convinces each participant that they can speak in this situation.
b. It sets the expectation that agreement will occur.
When you start with a point of agreement, you signal you are moving towards agreement. However, if you start with disagreement, your opening says we may end this meeting where we start, which is disagreement. Starting the meeting with a point of disagreement continues the thinking that got you here. The participants likely think, “We haven’t agreed on this problem in the past. I’m now in this meeting and we aren’t agreeing. So, it’s not looking like this thing will resolve.” But, when they say the same words, when you start with agreement, you break that chain of thinking. By everyone saying the same words, they grant agreement. They agree with each other about something. And, by agreeing on something at the outset, you signal hope that the issue will resolve peacefully.
c. Provides a level of comfort and confidence for each participant.
Often the anticipation of these meetings takes on a life of its own in the life of the participants. Once you communicate the meeting will occur, the minds of the participants are off and running. “Will this whole thing blow sky high?” “I don’t want to go.” “This could be a disaster!” Catastrophic thinking is typical. So, when you sit down and begin the meeting with each person speaking, it is obvious that the world is not coming to an end. They think something like, “It felt like the world was coming to an end before I got here, but, I spoke and nobody blew up. Maybe this will be all right.” That’s a shift you need as the facilitator. And you get it right away.
So, as we see, gaining agreement engages people working toward the goal of resolution. It sets the tone and the trajectory for the rest of the meeting.
And, once you accomplish Key #1 (Position the conversation as the two parties working together against the problem/conflict link), and Key #2 (Gain some type of agreement at the beginning of the conflict resolution meeting.), you move toward Key #3. These three keys determine what you do in the actual meeting. Although the first two keys are necessary, you won’t reach resolution without Key #3 (next time).
In the comments below, share the main obstacles you have faced in getting people to resolve a conflict. We would love to hear your insights, so I can address them in future posts.
(Continue reading with Part 3. Missed Part 1? Catch up here.)
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