Through the years, I have been called upon to resolve various conflicts. Sometimes a conflict was already in full boil. At other times I saw the pot getting hot and intervened before the water started bubbling. Various people conflicted with each other. The people involved have ranged from a doctor, elected official, attorney, pastor, deacon, business owner, teacher, administrative assistant, preschool director, staff member, volunteer, a variety of age ranges and other professions. Sometimes I mediated church-wide conflicts of up to 150 people or so. Each of those situations resolved to a better place. (As we will see in a future post, this does not mean everyone left 100% happy.) It does mean the anxiety decreased and peace resulted.
These three keys were crucial every time.
Last week’s post showed us the first three things to do when you discover a problem: 1. Ratchet down your own anxiety. 2. Address the situation. 3. Address the situation early.
This week shows the first key in the “how”.
You know the “how” is big. “How” is also hard. To make matters more stressful, there is no one set formula for handling it. Navigating conflict, which includes people’s pain, is more complicated than that. It is more complicated because every conflict intervention differs. Different people. Unique problem. Different issues. No two are exactly the same. Then, add to that your own stress and you know why a lot of people avoid it altogether.
There is no set formula for dealing with conflict, but there are keys.
When, you combine these elements, you realize there is no set formula. Although, we wish there were, there is no one set way to deal with conflict situations. There is, however, help. And, that help means there are “keys”. Unfortunately, these keys won’t totally remove your stress, but they will lessen it. Using these keys will help because you know some guidelines to help it go well. Furthermore, these keys work in any conflict. That’s right, ANY conflict. These keys unlock and resolve the pain to produce peace in the organization. (*See note below). No matter the conflict, these three keys will help it go better, and move you and the situation towards resolution. So for this week, Key #1:
Key #1. Position the conversation as the two parties working together against the problem/conflict.
Stated another way: “The person is not the problem. The problem is the problem.” The problem hinders the people (the two parties involved) from coming together. Whatever the issue, the problem stands in the way of peace and must be resolved. The conversation you have with the parties involved provides that pathway. Don’t post one person against the other person. Position both people (parties) together to go against the problem.
If you pit one person against the other, you lessen your ability to resolve the issue. So, the best approach is to bring the two parties together to solve the problem. It looks like this:
Painful Approach: Party 1 versus Party 2
Productive Approach: Party 1 + Party 2 versus the problem.
But, when you make the person the problem, you set up a battle, which means a framework for more pain. This shows up in the thinking. If you say things to yourself like, “I’m drawing a line in the sand,” you describe how you see the situation.
The way you see the situation determines how you approach it.
And, the way you see it determines how you approach it. Here’s another one: “I’m loaded for bear.” Notice, both of these statements are metaphors. Now, we know, no one is really in the sand somewhere drawing a line. And, nobody is literally hunting bears. They are pictures. They are expressions of how you see the situation. Metaphors. But, these metaphors show how you are thinking about the conflict. Both of these expressions express violence. The first is metaphor for a fight. “I’m drawing a line in the sand,” means you are marking your territory and will fight to protect it.
So, does that kind of thinking help resolve conflict? No. It increases the likelihood for more conflict. The second metaphor, “loaded for bear” literally means having a gun loaded in order to shoot a bear! How helpful is loading for bear if what you really want is to resolve the issue in peace? It isn’t helpful. It hinders what you really want to accomplish. So, reposition for conversation in your own mind. It isn’t one coming against another. It’s two coming together against an obstacle. We want the two to come together.
The next two Keys help further unlock the complexity in dealing with problems. Want to create peace through conflict? Stay with me…
*You may be wondering what happens when one party does not want to work together. What do you do when a person consistently creates dissension and aggravation for other people, and the organization? On those occasions, you may need to remove that person. While difficult, sometimes it must be done to restore peace in the organization. As you know, you cannot control people’s behavior. Yet, you still bear responsibility for the organization’s functioning. When one person consistently damages the organization, he/she needs to be removed from the position. And, with the removal, peace is restored.
20 Without wood, fire goes out;without a gossip, conflict dies down.
Proverbs 26:20, Christian Standard Bible
(Continue reading with Part 2 and Part 3.)
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